Training your Staff

I am a big advocate of training one's staff. It is easy to expect everyone to know exactly how you want things done, but I'm not a mind reader and I shouldn't expect my workers to be one either. Well, except for that poodle we hired for a week. She always seemed to know what I was going to say next. That was pretty freaky.

Some of you might think, "But Captain Otto, I don't have any money." Others might think, "Capt'n, I ain't got no dough." And still others might think, "Dude, like that costs some serious jack." To which I respond, "So?"

Such statements view training as an expense, rather than an investment. With the proper training, the money you spend will ultimately make you more money.

While we just started our training, I am already seeing benefits. For example, Doug has become quite good at sitting up and fetching. Spike, who always had a bit of a stubborn streak, has learned to heel and stay. I'm not sure how this is going to work into our business, but I suspect we can use it for entertainment purposes if nothing else.

Even though this is on a completely different topic, you might also consider some grooming. We sent Doug to Doggie Day Spa and he came back looking absolutely fabulous. He did take a pretty good ribbing over the bow around his neck, but you could tell that he felt a lot better about himself. He dug one of the biggest holes ever.

Some of your workers might resist training. They often think that after a few hours experience they know everything. Consequently, selecting the proper trainer and training program is important. This will help instill excitement and interest. However, make sure that the trainer isn't a good looking female, or the entire crew might be humping her leg.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Total Cheap Meetings

Here at Captain Otto's Painting and Seafood we are always striving to be the best at what we do, which is provide extremely cheap paint jobs. As the leader of the gang, it is my responsibility to continually drive everyone to find ways to cut costs.

Recently we began holding Total Cheap Meetings (TCM), in which all key quadripeds meet to discuss recent jobs and try to perfect our craft. We have found these meetings to be beneficial, so I thought I'd share some experiences and thoughts.

Our first rule is no paw pointing. Sometimes tempers can flare, and its easy to blame others. It is important that everyone remain calm, lest Spike decide to bite someone's jugular.

Rule number two is to focus on the customer. In this context, that means providing the cheapest paint job imaginable. Too many painting contractors focus on their desires, rather than the customer's.

Our last rule is that anyone suffering from distemper is not allowed to attend. We have found that anyone with distemper cannot really contribute to the discussion. In addition, it is very distracting to listen to the constant wheezing and complaining of the afflicted. Do everyone a favor and keep them out of the meeting. You might consider similar bans for rabies and Rocky Mountain spotted fever.

A typical job assessment begins with a summary of the job, just so everyone has a basic idea of what was done. The crew leader usually does this, unless he has distemper.

I will then begin to ask probing questions like: how much did you water down the paint? were you able to conduct a garage sale during the job? or, how many holes did you dig in the yard? These questions are not intended to put anyone on the spot, but simply to get the creative juices flowing.

We then discuss ways to reduce the job price. We've had some very imaginative ideas, such as giving the customer a huge discount if he buys the paint and applies it.

TCM may not be for every company. In fact, I was opposed to the idea, but sometimes I have to pretend like I care about what the others think.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Confessions of an Illegal

I must confess that I am an illegal. I didn't do it knowingly, and it only recently came to my attention.

When I was a young kitten of about 5 weeks, I decided to take an adventerous walk one day. This was my first excursion away from my mother and siblings, and the great open world seemed to be calling me. It sounded like, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

In short order I found myself perched on top of a very tall fence. Getting up there was quite easy and it looked like it would be a grand time. However, like a lot of things I do, what seemed like a good idea turned into a very scary situation.

Summing all my stength, as well as my best lion voice, I let go with a mighty roar to summon my mother. "Mew, mew, mew," I roared at a volume that was stifled by the sound of grass growing. Fortunately, the wind carried my whining to the ears of my future human companion, who was outside playing with compost.

As he later reported to me, he followed my verbal trail until he spotted me bravely cowering on the fence rail. He gently removed me from my predicament and presented me to his female companion. They bickered for a few minutes. She wanted to toss me back, declaring that I wasn't a keeper. He suggested feeding me to fatten me up for Thanksgiving (or at least that's what I think he said).

They reached a happy medium and took me inside. At first I was happy, but I soon realized I was going from the frying pan into the fire. They put me in the bath tub and proceeded to bath me for hours. Then they took some pointy things and began picking little biting insects off of me. As fond as I had grown of the constant sting of tiny bites to my flesh, I must admit it felt good to be rid of those things.

I was then given some food and a small hotel room. Content for the first time in my life, I curled into a ball and took a nap.

That is the story of how I got over the fence and became an illegal. I had no papers, nor did I enter at a recognized border crossing.

However, as I recount the story, I now realize that it wasn't my fault. I was on my side of the fence, minding my own business when I was suddenly lifted up and deposited on the other side. I guess what this really means is that I was illegally abducted by aliens.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Home Improvement Tips

I'm not usually one to bad mouth others in public. It's not because I'm such a nice cat, it's because I get plenty of practice in private. However, while skiing the Internet, I came across something that got my milk boiling.

An article on some site called The Onion, states that "the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting." As I have been arguing for weeks, preparation is way over rated. And now these bozos are elevating preparation to some iconic status.

In truth, the three rule of house painting are cheap, really cheap, and Captain Otto.

If this wasn't bad enough, they go on to write: "For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)" Now, I enjoy insensitive jokes as much as anyone, but this is over the top. Not only that, it isn't very good advice.

Mexicans expect to be paid in cash. Dogs, on the other hand, will settle for a can of Alpo or a few table scraps. I am sure that there are some things that Mexicans can do that dogs can't, but why quibble over things like skill. We are talking money, and my rule when it comes to paying for anything is less is best.

The final piece of stupid advice is: "Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer." This may be true if you choose to hire competent, licensed contractors. But why do that when there are so many unemployed, clueless dogs who can make just as big of a mess for a fraction of the cost?

I don't know which makes me more upset, contractors who operate good businesses or lame brained reporters who pass out this kind of information.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008