Home Improvement Tips

I'm not usually one to bad mouth others in public. It's not because I'm such a nice cat, it's because I get plenty of practice in private. However, while skiing the Internet, I came across something that got my milk boiling.

An article on some site called The Onion, states that "the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting." As I have been arguing for weeks, preparation is way over rated. And now these bozos are elevating preparation to some iconic status.

In truth, the three rule of house painting are cheap, really cheap, and Captain Otto.

If this wasn't bad enough, they go on to write: "For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)" Now, I enjoy insensitive jokes as much as anyone, but this is over the top. Not only that, it isn't very good advice.

Mexicans expect to be paid in cash. Dogs, on the other hand, will settle for a can of Alpo or a few table scraps. I am sure that there are some things that Mexicans can do that dogs can't, but why quibble over things like skill. We are talking money, and my rule when it comes to paying for anything is less is best.

The final piece of stupid advice is: "Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer." This may be true if you choose to hire competent, licensed contractors. But why do that when there are so many unemployed, clueless dogs who can make just as big of a mess for a fraction of the cost?

I don't know which makes me more upset, contractors who operate good businesses or lame brained reporters who pass out this kind of information.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

What Should I Charge for...?

I have been an active member of CatTalk for several months. During this time, I have seen many members come and go. Someone pops in, telling everyone how high he can jump, or how many bowls of tuna and egg he can eat, or how many mice he's caught. I learned a long time ago, any cat that needs to toot his own horn is a horn tooter.

As annoying as these newbies are, the ones who start unleashing a barrage of questions without reading any past posts really annoy me. In fact, they annoy me more than a huge fur ball right after dinner. But that's a different story.

One of the most common questions is, what should I charge to...? Now, the members of CatTalk come from many different professions, so the precise question varies. We have been asked about the prices for cleaning up spilled milk, not unrolling all of the toilet paper, knocking all of the papers on the floor, and more.

But my favorite was about digging holes in the yard. Many of the members were quick to offer advice, but I saw through the ruse. No self-respecting cat would dig a hole, and I concluded that the poster was actually a dog posing as a cat. The fur really flew over that one.

I have become one of the most respected contributors on CatTalk, primarily because I treat kittens and old, skanky looking flea bags the same way. It doesn't matter whether you are a cute little ball of fur, or a balding, mange infested mess, I will treat you with the same contempt.

I have a reputation to uphold. As the world's first cat contractor, I am better than any cat and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. As someone once said, if you got it, flaunt it. I got it.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Random Thoughts

Latex PaintWhile using the litter box the other day, it occurred to me that cat pee often smells like latex paint. Now, I'm no chemist, nor do I play one on television, but I suspect it is the amonia that is present in both. If any chemists would like to weigh in on this, I would appreciate it.

A Few Quotes
Joseph Wood Krutch said, "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." I don't particularly like Joseph Wood Krutch writings-- he was one of those granola eating, I can talk to the animals, look at me because I use biodegradable toilet paper, and I only bathe once a year types-- but on this he spoke the truth. But more to the point, why not ask for what you want? What is the worst thing that you will hear? No. If "no" hurt my feelings, I'd have been dead long ago.

Mark Twain once said, "If animals could speak the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors. I really like that story about the frog from some county. Anyone who can write a funny story about a frog is a pretty good person in my book.

Finally, Abraham Lincoln said, "No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." That was before the trip to the vet. There ain't no kittens in my future, unless my human companions decide to really tick me off.

A Book I'm Eating
I've never been a big reader. That's probably not a surprise since I'm only 10 months old and I'm a cat. But, lately I've taken a liking to the Harry Potter books. I can't understand a single word in them, but the paper tastes very good. It has an interesting mix between mint and sisal. I know that sounds strange, but it's a very complimentary combination. Try it, you might like it.

Politics
If you are coming to my blog for commentary on politics you are going to be sadly disappointed. I stay as far away from politics as a room full of rocking chairs. But this Obama fellow has me ticked. He is making promises to everyone except cat contractors. He makes lots of noise about minorities, and I am certainly a minority. Actually, now that I think about it, all of us our a minority of one.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Marketing for Cat Contractors

Marketing your feline painting company presents some challenges that bipeds do not face. First, most companies that sell advertising will not take you seriously. They will assume that you don't have any money, just because you are a cat. Show them your bank statement-- that should convince them otherwise.

One of the cardinal rules of advertising is to differentiate your company. You'd think that it would be easy for a cat contractor to do this. But given that pictures of cute little kittens and fuzzy little puppy dogs have been used by humans for years. Consequently, using them in your ads won't differentiate your company. You will look just like all the vets, dog groomers, and other businesses that exploit us.

We tried using pictures of human babies, but that didn't work well. Apparently babies don't inspire people to buy cheap paint jobs. We tried all kinds of headlines, like "A Cheap Paint Job is Like Cheap Wine-- You'll be Sick the Next Day" and "Don't Trust Your Home to Bipeds".

In the end, we found that word of mouth is the best advertising. Once we did a few jobs, our customers had to tell everyone about us. Business exploded like an old lady after eating a pot of beans.

We have used one promotion that has been successful. Our free Fisherman's Surprise give away more than doubled our business. So I'd suggest giving away something for free. After all, anyone who would go for the cheapest paint job they can find will likely want a few cans of free seafood as well.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Cheap Customers

Despite our ongoing efforts to be the cheapest painters in town, we occasionally run into a customer that wants to pay even less than what we charge. Such customers typically have some creative ideas on how they can save more money.

We had one customer who had paint left over from when she painted her living room. We explained that it was clearly labeled interior paint, and we couldn't in good conscience use it. So she poured it into another can and wrote "exterior paint" on the outside. Everyone was happy then.

Another customer wanted a discount if she provided lunch for the crew. She had overcooked a roast and figured this would be better than simply throwing it out. We passed on that offer.

Then there was the lady who wanted to trade a bunch of hand made blankets for a paint job. These were pretty blankets mind you, but I really didn't want to try to sell them. Then we'd have to rename our company Captain Otto's Painting, Seafood, and Blankets, and that would just be plain silly.

My all-time favorite was the guy who wanted to help with the work. He had ladders, a spray rig, and everything else. He wound up applying every single drop of paint. One of the crew held the ladder for him while the others dug holes in the yard.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Making More Money

There are a lot of ways for a painting contractor to make additional money. At Captain Otto's Painting and Seafood, we have developed a number of unique ways to add to our bottom line.

1. We don't throw anything away. We leave everything right where it is when we are done with it. Empty paint cans require trash bags and such. Just leave them in the customer's yard.

2. Charge employees for shirts and hats, and make it a condition of employment that they wear them. This can actually be a reasonable profit center if you add some other rules, like shirts can't be more than 2 weeks old.

3. Digging through the customer's trash can result in some wonderful finds.

4. Set up a yard sale at the job site. This works best when you send the crew out scavenging through the neighborhood on trash day.

5. Volunteer your crew members for medical experiments. Not only is this a decent income source, it can also provide hours of entertainment.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Chicken Little Hysteria Hour

The other night, for some reason that still escapes me, I was watching the Chicken Little Hysteria Hour on Animal Planet. I nearly choked on my Meow Mix when Chicken Little began shouting, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling."

Now, this clucker has been making similar predictions for years, and she's done nothing but lay eggs. Apparently, she thinks some of us don't take notes.

Lets look at a few facts. Take a look around you. What do you see? Paint. Go outside and take a look around. What do you see? Paint. Turn on the television, and unless you are watching some program showing wildebeasts frolicking in the mud, what do you see? Paint.

That is right folks-- paint is everywhere. And how to you think it got there? It didn't just jump out of the can and apply itself. It took skilled craftsmen, or in our case, incompetent derelicts, but you get the point.

Now some of you may have heard reports of a credit crunch, a housing melt down, a bear market, tomatoes rotting in Mexico, and assorted other economic bad news. This may have you concerned, and it should if you are one of those contractors that charges high prices and does good work.

A lot of people are in a panic, and the last thing they want to do is spend a lot of money on having their house painted. But because we offer the cheapest prices within ten states, we have no worries. In fact, we are looking to expand our business.

So I suggest you take a close look at your business model. You need to start cutting your expenses with a chain saw. If you can do that, you might stand a chance.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Squirrels and Other Distractions

The other day we-- when I say we I mean my company, I am not so foolish-- were painting a house. Suddenly a couple of squirrels scampered down a tree and the crew went nuts.

They started racing around the yard, howling and knocking over paint cans. The neighbor lady came out and started yelling at the crew to keep it down. That was about the worst thing she could have done, as Doug (who is a very mediocre painter, but a bit tempermental) ran over and bit her leg.

Fortunately for her, Doug was recently tested for rabies. Fortunately for Doug, he was rounding the corner when her husband unloaded both barrels of his shotgun.

Meanwhile, the other crew members were standing at the base of the tree, yapping like it was a full moon. The squirrels were sitting on a branch, dropping acorns on the crew's heads. At some point either the squirrels ran out of acorns, or lost interest in their taunting, and scampered higher into the tree.

Spike-- our production supervisor-- ventured onto the scene at about this time. Spike is bi-polar, and "bad" Spike decided to make an appearance. What ensued is not fit for a family publication such as this. But suffice it to say, a few ears were red after Spike was finished.

That job went way over budget and we never saw Doug again.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Customer Complaints

Since he is our customer service representative, Spike handles most of our customer complaints. This keeps him pretty busy dealing with things like trampled flower beds, broken window screens, large areas of the lawn burned by dog piss, late shipments of seafood, crew members humping the children, bones being buried in the back yard, large swarms of lucusts, mangled children's toys, damaged lawn furniture, missing cats, huge piles of feces on the sidewalk, non-delivery of mail, peeping giraffes, dead squirrels in the pool, public fornication, and occasionally, bad workmanship.

Spike has developed a fairly easy, but effective method for dealing with these complaints: He growls and foams at the mouth. That ends virtually every complaint immediately.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Labor Laws and Paint Contracting

One of the most frequent questions I get asked is what kind of labor laws govern cat painting contractors. Surprisingly, there are none. However, PETA is lobbying Congress to extend child labor laws and minimum wage requirements to our industry.

The absence of government regulations allows you to pay really cheap wages. Because labor is the largest expense for a painting contractor, driving wages into the basement permits you to offer the lowest prices in town. This will give you a huge competitive advantage and go a long way toward overcoming the bias against cat contractors.

This will likely result in high turnover among your workforce, but the labor market for illiterate quadripeds is virtually non-existent. So you will have a steady stream of applicants just begging for a job. I suggest that you use this to your advantage and continually remind your workers that they can be easily replaced.

While there are no labor laws governing your feline painting business, some locales do have ordinances that may have some impact on your operations. For example, some communities have leash laws and regulations that require you to pick up dog feces. Contact your local authorities to determine what laws will apply to you.

In addition, most communities require dogs to be licensed and vaccinated. While it may be tempting to hire illegal dogs so that you can drive wages even lower, I recommend against this. The few extra dollars that you will earn are not worth the risk of being stigmatized for hiring illegal workers.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

Any Dog can Paint

Many of you probably think that painting is a highly specialized skill. I am here to tell you that it isn't. In fact, it is so easy that even dogs can paint. Actually, any dog can paint.

Certainly some dogs are better at painting than others. Some are good at some aspects of painting, and not so good at others. For example, dachshunds are very good at baseboards, but are absolutely useless for doing crown mouldings.

You may wonder why I use dogs for painting, rather than cats. There are several reasons for this. First, cats have more dignity than dogs, and would not lower themselves to be a painter. Second, cats are smarter than dogs, and therefore are better at management. Third, cats like to sleep a lot, which is not conducive to getting a lot of work done in a day. But I digress.

How much skill does it take to paint? Apparently not much, since dogs can do it. All you really need to be able to do is dip your brush into a bucket and then swoosh it around. Repeat several hundred times and you've painted a house.

Extensive research showed us that home owners want cheap paint jobs. We also learned that labor makes up the largest part of a painting contractor's expenses. So we set out to keep our labor costs as low as possible.

Since the skill level is so low, it only made sense to us to look for the least skilled entities we could find. And that would be dogs. We tested our theory on several neighborhood dogs.

The first we tested was a Beagle named Tim. Tim was very excitable, even more than the typical beagle. He turned out to be the fastest dog painter we've seen. We then tested a cocker spaniel named Tippy. Tippy's ears kept getting in the way, but after we taped them together, she proved to be an adequate painter. Our final test was with a Rottweiler named Brutus. He seemed more interested in chewing on the sofa than painting. We promised him a piece of raw meat and he then got into the spirit of things. While his cut in lines were a little crooked, we attributed it to his nerves.

But I am belaboring my point, which is this-- any dog can paint.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008

The Purpose of My Blog

As the world's first feline painting contractor, I have faced many challenges in starting and building my business. I received a lot of help as I struggled, and I am truly grateful to those who were willing to share their experience and wisdom. This blog is my way of repaying those who helped me climb the ladder of success.

I routinely receive email from other cats seeking to break into this exciting business. I hope to cover all of the issues relevant to our species as they apply to paint contracting. Many issues apply to all painting contractors, and for information on these more general topics, I refer you to Out of the Bucket.com and their blog.

Because I am a cat, I do not type very quickly. I also have a very limited vocabulary, a relatively short attention span, and need frequent naps. This may have some impact on how often I post. But my goal is not to be the most prolific blogger.

I am sure that I will learn a great deal from doing this blog. As they say, those who can do, those who can't teach, and those who can't teach blog. Already I've learned a few interesting things-- if I push the CAP LOCKS KEY EVERYTHING I TYPE IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I've also learned that if I fall asleep on the keyboard I will wake up to a very long string of letters that make no sense.

For now, I will bid you a fond farewell. I think it's time for breakfast.

Captain Otto

© BEP Enterprises Incorporated 2008